Please help! I took my husband’s i-phone and found a raunchy picture of him attached to an e-mail to a woman in his sent e-mail file (a Yahoo account). When I approached him about this (I think that he is cheating on me) he admitted that he took the picture but says that he never sent it to anyone. He claims that he went to the Genius Bar at the local Apple store and they told him that it is an i-phone glitch: that photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent. Has anyone ever heard of this happening? The future of my marriage depends on this answer!
I am reblogging Adam’s list because he is right, and because I used to listen to cassette tapes of old radio shows when I was a kid. One of my favorites was a reading of “The Tell-Tale Heart.” The Narrator is my vote for craziest character. But that might be because I have a voice to attribute to it.
As anyone who progressed through the 7th grade knows, Edgar Allen Poe was fucking insane. Not only did he marry his 13 year old cousin, but his cause of death ”has been attributed to alcohol, brain congestion, cholera, drugs, heart disease, rabies, suicide, tuberculosis, and other agents.” Uh, Wikipedia, what other agents are there? RABIES? And how is suicide in the middle of that sentence? If your autopsy report is THAT nebulous, you’re a officially a bad-ass.
So, we started this discussion last night on the Leland Way porch and I’m continuing it here… WHO’S THE CRAZIEST EDGAR ALLEN POE CHARACTER?
My nominees are…
1) HOP FROG from “Hop Frog”
Hop Frog fucking rules. First of all, he’s a dwarf. Don’t deny it, dwarfs are terrifying. On top of that, Hop Frog’s the jester to this jerk King who knows that Hop Frog hates alcohol but makes him drink anyway. And I’m talking goblets of wine. So Hop Frog’s always wasted and pissed off. To add insult to injury, the jerk King flippantly throws wine in the face of Trippetta. Who’s Trippetta? Hop Frog’s dwarf lady friend. Not a good idea, King. Well, let’s just say that was the last wine he threw…
So how does Hop Frog exact revenge? He plans a party, dresses the King and his court as orangutans, harnesses them to the ceiling and SETS THEM ON FIRE! Yikes. Not only is that a terribly demeaning way to die, it’s also really fucking painful. He’s thorough. The real crazies always are.
Oh, did I glaze over that his name is HOP FROG!?! Let that sink in for a moment. I know, that’s not a real name. But if Hop Frog is your nickname, you’re teetering on the definition of crazy.
2) THE NARRATOR from “The Tell Tale Heart”
I’m just gonna throw this out in the ether… if you insist on convincing someone of your sanity, you’re probably insane. And if that someone happens to be murder police, you’re definitely insane.
So this Narrator murders an old man for having a “vulture eye.” And that’s after watching the old man sleep for the better part of an hour. Wow. I mean, we all get obsessed over certain things, but the guy was a senior citizen, let the eye go, buddy. And what’s a “vulture eye” anyway? The tragic part here is that the Narrator’s a really good murderer… super clean with the kill. He even methodically buries the body under the floorboards. Not bad, right?
Wrong. Turns out he’s a moron and invites the police to take a look. Then he freaks out and starts to hear the dead guy’s beating heart. He thinks it sounds like “a watch enveloped in cotton.” Hey, dickhead, a watch in cotton is about the least offensive noise ever, LET IT GO! And it wasn’t real. Hearing things that aren’t real is definitely crazy. So what’s he do? He confesses to the murder. For no reason. And just like that, the murder clearance rate went up. Why? Because this Narrator is CRAZY.
3) MONTRESOR from “The Cask of Amontillado”
I love Montresor. First, he’s an epicurean (so that’s cool). Second, he’s really petty. And to be really petty is to be really awesome. Montresor really hates this guy Fortunato. Why? He never tells us. In fact, Fortunado seems to be a pretty affable guy. His only real transgression is that he’s a lush. And I’m not about to hate on someone who likes the booze. But here’s the rub, Montresor pretends to be Fortunado’s friend. How duplicitous is that? Crazy duplicitous?
So Montresor tells Fortunado he has a “pipe” of some out-of-season Amontillado Sherry. Being a drunk, Fortunado’s all like “let’s drink that shit.” Montresor gets Fortunado really liquored up and bricks him into the wall. Alive. Only when he sobers up does Fortundo realize what’s happening. Too late, buddy. You were just murdered by the crazy.
Oh, I looked up the “pipe.” It’s roughly equivalent to 130 gallons. Jesus Christ, who has that much fucking Sherry? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to drink Sherry, ever. Sherry’s for cooking. If you’re looking for a good dessert wine, go with a Tokaji or Sauternes, crazy!
Can you believe we teach this shit to children?
So who’s the craziest Edgar Allen Poe character? What do you think?
They did it. They really did it. So often crudely caricatured by others, the American people yesterday stood in the eye of history and made an emphatic choice for change for themselves and the world. Though bombarded by a blizzard of last-minute negative advertising that should shame the Republican party, American voters held their nerve and elected Barack Obama as their new president to succeed George Bush. Elected him, what is more, by a clearer majority than one of those bitter narrow margins that marked the last two elections.
Having snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in 2000 and 2004 it felt at times fated that the Democrats would somehow complete a hat-trick of failures on election day 2008. Instead, fuelled by unprecedented financial support, the key things went right for them yesterday, from the moment just after midnight when Dixville Notch voted 15 to six for Mr Obama (the first time the early-voting New Hampshire hamlet had gone for a Democrat in 40 years), through to the early Obama success last night in the prized swing state of Pennsylvania and on into the battleground areas of middle America.
In the last two presidential elections, the American people divided down the middle, producing a both a geographical and a demographic divide that seemed increasingly set in stone. Blue Democratic America consisted of the west and the east coasts plus the upper Midwest. Red Republican America covered the swaths in between. Women, minorities, the poor and the highly educated voted Democratic. Men, white people, the rich and the religious delivered for the Republicans. In the mind of Mr Bush’s strategist Karl Rove this division was the template of 21st century American politics, a base for a conservative counter-attack against 20th-century liberalism.
Rove’s America was not just turned on its head yesterday. It was broken up and recast in a very different mould. One of Mr Obama’s many achievements has been his refusal to accept the permanence of the blue-red divide. He has reached out across the divide to states and voters that the embattled Democratic party of the Reagan-Bush years had forgotten about, places like the South and the Rockies, voters like farmers and small business people.
With the Democrats powerfully consolidating their position in both houses of Congress yesterday, the shift was consolidated at state and district level. This marks the end of the conservative ascendancy of the past 30 years. Whether it now marks a new, sustained era of American liberalism of the sort which followed the election of 1932 must remain to be seen. What is not open to doubt is that Mr Obama’s win is a milestone in America’s racial and cultural evolution. It is 45 years since Martin Luther King, in the greatest of all late-20th century American speeches looked forward to the day when his children would not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character. Almost unbelievably, that dream has now become a reality in the shape of America’s first African-American leader and its first black first family. It is a day many thought they would never see. It is hard to know whether to weep or shout for joy now that it has arrived - probably both - but it is a lesson to the world.
Mr Obama will take office in January amid massive unrealisable expectations and facing a daunting list of problems - the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the broken healthcare system, the spiralling federal budget and America’s profligate energy regime all prominent among them. Eclipsing them all, as Mr Obama has made clear in recent days, is the challenge of rebuilding the economy and the banking system. These, though, are issues for another day. Today is for celebration, for happiness and for reflected human glory. Savour those words: President Barack Obama, America’s hope and, in no small way, ours too.
A big thank you to my supportive friends in other countries who have taught me so much about the world. We did it! We didn’t let you guys down!